


and we can break your heart so you see how i feel

by prettydizzeed



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Bisexual Character, Fluff, M/M, Pansexual Simon Lewis, Polyamorous Character, destruction of love triangles, post 2x14: The Fair Folk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-11-29 15:02:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11443329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettydizzeed/pseuds/prettydizzeed
Summary: It wasn't exactly like he could blame Clary for liking Jace. But “I'm hiding my feelings for the guy you thought was your brother so you don't doubt that my feelings for you are genuine” was a little different than “I'm hiding my feelings for the guy I didn't tell you isn't actually my brother and by the way his kiss is the one I desire most.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> title from "Boyfriend" by The Goon Sax
> 
> so I'm polyamorous and I get frustrated constantly over love triangles and other relationship drama, of which Shadowhunters has a lot. I'd love to actually ship a poly relationship on this show but tbh since I'm in one I keep thinking about how it wouldn't work because of the characters' personalities or their actions (i.e. Clary kinda basically cheating on Simon in front of him like wow @Seelie Queen that's fucked up)

If that was how she kissed people when it meant nothing, how much less did every kiss they'd ever shared mean to her?

Because come on, that was not a take-one-for-the-team kiss. There was nothing brief or obligatory about it; fuck, it was as long as a Lord of the Rings movie, and infinitely less fun to watch.

Clary was still beating on the door, so he made good use of his noise-cancelling headphones. He wasn't exactly in the mood to talk, and it was honestly the kinder route, all things considered; if he opened the door he'd probably end up asking something like _What, you're not busy hooking up with Jace?_ and then he'd regret it. She was still his best friend.

And it wasn't exactly like he could blame her for liking Jace. But “I'm hiding my feelings for the guy you thought was your brother so you don't doubt that my feelings for you are genuine” was a little different than “I'm hiding my feelings for the guy I didn't tell you isn't actually my brother and by the way his kiss is the one I desire most.”

(He had a problem with that wording, “most.” If it'd been him, he would've kissed Clary, because he also _desired_ his girlfriend to be happy, and he _desired_ not to have Jace punch him in the face. But in a hypothetical, no-baggage-attached scenario, he wanted to kiss them both equally.)

Simon took a minute to mourn what an awesome triad they would've been. In theory. Clary had made it very clear she was monogamous when he'd come out to her the second time, and he was pretty sure Jace was straight. Even if that all wasn't true, she hadn't been honest with him about liking Jace, and then she'd gone and kissed the guy in front of him without warning. Not exactly the level of communication required for a healthy poly relationship… or a healthy monogamous one, if he was being honest.

Because her liking Jace really was different from Simon doing so—she knew he could like multiple people at once, and she was okay with that knowledge going into the relationship, and he'd agreed to it when she didn't want him to act on any feelings for other people or tell her about them. Clary, on the other hand, fell for one person at a time, and all evidence pointed to it not being him.

*

Jace was the one knocking on the door the next morning, and Simon was so relieved it wasn't Clary that he let him in.

“I'm so sorry,” Jace started, and Simon stopped him, shrugging.

“It's not your fault. You were literally restrained—which, now that I think about it, is really fucking messed up, like, the Seelie Queen needs to learn about consent—”

Jace cut him off. “I kissed her back.”

Simon swallowed. “Yeah, you did.”

“So, I just… In a way, I feel really responsible for you breaking up, and—”

“She told you about that.” _Wow, are we not capable of going one sentence without interrupting each other? Real mature, Simon._

Jace rubbed the back of his neck. “Um, yeah.”

Simon had bit back too many remarks in the last 24 hours to have any sense of restraint now. “So this worked out fine for you, huh?”

“What? No.” Jace had a habit of stepping forward when someone confronted him, acting on offense even when he was being defensive. Simon backed up and rolled his eyes.

“Oh, come on. I'm not accusing you—well, it sounded a lot like I was accusing you, but it was just a rough day yesterday, like seriously, I broke up with my best friend via phone call which I always thought was a dick move but I really can't deal with seeing her right now and then her new boyfriend shows up—”

“I'm not her boyfriend, Simon.” Jace had his arms crossed, almost glaring.

“Yeah, well, whatever, just a matter of time.”

“It is not.”

Simon sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. Sometimes he wished he still had his glasses to adjust; no other nervous habit had stepped up to fill the vacancy yet, so he just ended up awkwardly tapping his nose at random moments. “Look, don't deny yourself what you want because you're morally opposed to the means by which you ended up getting it.”

Jace shook his head and Simon wondered how it was possible for his eyes to be more intense. They were usually pretty damn captivating, and during this whole conversation-slash-argument they’d been practically sparking.

“You don't know anything about what I want.”

“Then please,” Simon said, stretching his arms out, “enlighten me.”

Jace huffed and turned away. “You wouldn't get it.”

Some part of Simon nudged him to stop being so combative, but he ignored it. He'd always known he couldn't be with both Jace and Clary, but the fact that now he wouldn't be with either of them had been even more painfully obvious since Jace walked in. Watching the two people you loved be in love with each other and not you wasn't something that any pop culture love triangle had prepared him for, and suddenly, he felt even more alone. “You're right, I wouldn't. I'm not straight and I'm not monogamous and I'm not a Shadowhunter, so literally no part of your life is relevant to me.”

Jace opened his mouth, then seemed to reconsider it and stopped, shifting his body so it looked like he was bracing for impact. Well—to a stranger, it would look like he couldn't give less of a fuck about whatever was about to happen, but Simon knew by now that he only put on his I Don't Care face when he cared _a lot_.

“I'm not straight.”

Simon tried to hide the fact that he felt like he was going to fall over. “O–okay?”

Jace was still trying to act nonchalant, but Simon could see him flinch, just barely, so quick that it might've been Simon blinking.

“And at first, yeah, I kind of liked Clary, and the sibling thing really threw me because of that, but then… I really got over her. And when she was kissing me” —now Simon flinched, visibly— “I kissed her back because I was trying to convince myself I could still like her again, but never mind the fact that I couldn't do that to you, I don't—I don't like Clary.”

Simon looked at the ceiling for a minute because wow, this drama was escalating quickly. “Hold up, I'm still stuck on the part where you aren't straight.”

Jace shrugged, still overly casual. “I'm bi.”

Simon nodded and tried to remember how to breathe. Did vampires need air? Now was really not the time to find out. “Cool, cool, so uh,” he cleared his throat quickly, “who's the lucky guy?”

Jace blinked, his façade suddenly broken. “What?”

“Well, you know, you stop liking Clary and figure out you aren't straight at around the same time, I just figured—”

Jace shook his head slowly. “You figured wrong.”


	2. Chapter 2

Simon was having a really shitty week.

There was, of course, the dumping someone he was in love with because he had to be an adult or some shit and acknowledge it wasn't going to work, and then he couldn't even vent to his friends about it because they wouldn't understand that it wasn't the fact that she'd kissed someone else, or that she liked someone else, it was that she hadn't _told_ him. Then, the _other_ person he was in love with had to be all “I’m Here, I’m Queer, I'm Emotionally Unavailable,” and really, what did Simon expect?

He was a fucking vampire. Of course everything in his life was going to hell.

The upside was, by now he’d gotten good at letting his angst fuel his songwriting. It was hard, sometimes, having to self-censor—he couldn't exactly sing about being a creature of the night in a mundane club—but he usually kept it vague, about not belonging in his skin and not recognizing himself, and then they'd probably think he was talking about, like, acne. He used that same technique now, since he didn't want to air his personal life to the Hunter’s Moon if he ever got invited back, even if everything was probably common knowledge by now.

He didn't leave the boathouse for days.

Jace was the one who eventually came to confirm that he was still alive—or dead, or whatever—which just made Simon want to lock the door for another week. He just stood there, brooding, beautiful, _bisexual_ , and Simon swallowed hard. _You're used to loving people who won't ever see you that way, remember?_ he told himself. _You've had years of practice._

Yeah. Some pep talk.

Jace leaned against the doorframe. “You gonna invite me in?”

Simon scoffed. “I'm the vampire here, remember? You could just barge in if you wanted.”

“Yeah, well.” Jace lifted the shoulder that wasn't against the wall in a half-shrug. “Trying to not get attacked by any vampires today.”

“You're the one who's always talking about how you could kick my ass.”

Jace smiled in a way that seemed vaguely familiar. “I could. Doesn't mean I want to.”

“Yeah, okay, whatever, come in.”

Jace pushed himself off the wall and Simon realized: it'd been his bar smile, the one he used on three pretty girls at once on a regular basis.

“You trying to charm me or something?” Simon asked, raising his eyebrows. Jace coughed.

“Um, no. Just wanted to see how you were doing.”

“Oh. Yeah, um, not so great. You–you probably don't want to hear about it, though.”

Jace sat down on one of the unsteady chairs. “I'm not exactly eager to get back to the Institute right now.” When Simon didn't respond, Jace sighed. “Fine, how about this: I'll spill my guts if you spill yours.”

Simon raised an eyebrow, but then sighed. “You know I can't resist the opportunity to find out what's going on beneath that mysterious exterior.” Jace smirked. “I don't know, I'm alright, I guess.” Jace snorted, and Simon elbowed him. “Shut up. What I was going to say was, I'm mostly alright, it's just new, y’know? Hard to adjust to.”

Jace smirked. “Not used to getting your heart broken?”

Simon flipped him off, rolling his eyes. “Hey, I'll have you know, the student council vice president was in high demand. But no, I've been through this before, it's just the ‘two heartbreaks for the price of one’ thing is a little overwhelming.”

“What, because she was your girlfriend and your best friend?”

 _Shit_. Simon rubbed the back of his neck. “Um, no. I mean, yes, but, that's not what I meant. Hey, aren't you supposed to be spilling your darkest secrets right about now?”

Jace looked amused but didn't question him. “Fine. You were right, the other day.” At Simon’s blank look, he sighed and continued, “There was a guy. Is. I don't know.”

Simon knew he was gaping and tried to distract Jace from realizing why. “I cannot believe you just told me I was right. I should've recorded it for posterity.”

“I would've broken your cell phone if you tried.”

Simon laughed. “Anyway, who is it?” Because apparently he wanted to prolong his suffering.

Jace shook his head. “Nope. Not unless you want to elaborate on your two-for-one rejection.”

Fucking ironic. Whatever. “Okay, well, I don't know if Clary or anybody told you I'm polyamorous, but basically, sometimes I have feelings for more than one person at once. And when stuff fell apart with Clary, there was also a rude awakening that nothing would ever happen with the other person I like, so. I had to deal with all of that at the same time.”

Jace had been nodding along, but then he paused. “Wait. At the same time…?”

He knew Jace had realized what time, exactly, he'd been talking about. Simon focused on the wall. “Yeah. It's whatever. Anyway, who's your mystery guy?”

“Simon,” Jace said softly, and Simon was about to tell him to please not dwell on this, to answer the question, to let him change the subject and gloss over it, when he glanced over and saw Jace’s expression and realized he _had_ been answering the question.

“Holy shit,” Simon whispered. “Why didn't you tell me the other day?”

“You were going through a breakup. I didn't want to stress you out even more, and… I didn't want you to use me to get over her or something.”

“I wouldn't do that.”

Jace looked away. “I know. Lately I've just had too many people telling me it doesn't mean anything when they kiss me, you know?”

Simon angled himself towards him until Jace met his gaze, then leaned forward, pressing their foreheads together. “This means everything,” he whispered, and kissed him.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr @basilhallward, feel free to send me prompts for these two or pretty much any Shadowhunters ship!


End file.
